So I had established that the behavioral traits of my ponies was me and thought well I just need to be a better leader and get on with it. Easy right, no problem.... how bloody wrong was I. We had a workshop and lessons or something with Mel at Chambers Flat and I was pumped, okay I trying to fake it until I could make it. As soon as we drove it, I could feel my anxiety soar as there were horses everywhere and some polo cross game and I went to robotic mode, have a cigarette, unload horses, have a cigarette, get water for horses, have a cigarette, say hello to Mel, have a cigarette, Mel says go get your horse, have 5 cigarettes.
I remember trying to tell myself all I had to do was get Big from the yard and focus to get to the arena as Mel is there. I got this, I had this and my anxiety, fear and smothered me. Big was aerial and believe me that's a whole lot of horse to have running around and up in the air and more frighten than I was. I could hear Mel's voice, though to this day I still cannot recall what she was yelling. I somehow got Big into the arena and I let him go as I honestly felt like I could not breath. Poor Big was frightened and I was the last human he felt safe with. I cannot remember how it all went, though Mel stepped in and helped Big out. I do recall Mel saying "What are you doing"? something about leadership and helping your horse out.
The remainder of the day was blurry, I asked myself did I really want to go through with this, can I do this, should I leave Quantum Savvy. The easy option would of been to leave, though everything about Quantum Savvy resonated in my being. There was only thing to do as I had sent my horses for training to help with their confidence and emotional fitness - so I needed to do the same thing for them and myself.